Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
