Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
