My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
