I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize