Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
