How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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