My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
