next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
