I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
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