Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
