I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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