i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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