Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
