In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
