he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
