you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
