my sisters under your porch take her home
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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