I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
