i just sent this text using only my big toe
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
