4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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