I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
