It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
