If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
