loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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