if only i could text you this smell
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
