My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
