i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sober January is a disaster.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
