mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
