i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
