I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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