The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
