listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
