Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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