And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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