So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
