Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I just shit out all my problems.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
