Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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