It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
