very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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