You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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