apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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