Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
