he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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