He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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