I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
