look no pants
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sext me about skeletons
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