dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
