Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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