I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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