Where did you get a picture of my penis
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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