Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
