I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize