What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
