i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
