yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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