Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize